Grand designs

Grand Designs

Decided to design myself a new house because with AI anything is possible. By and large AI has done a good job. And, look, I'm not normally one to complain (rest of the world, "OH YES YOU ARE") but there are a few things that AI needs to learn about me. I shall point them out in a slightly critical manner as we go through the rooms.

Outside innit

My new pad innit

Yep, a good start with the entrance hall, nice touch, then we get to the first MAJOR faux pas. Look at the lounge! It's beautiful! Apart from one serious error. Three, and I mean THREE, THREE, THREE coffee cups on the coffee table. No, AI, it will just be me, no one is going to be invited for coffee because no one will make it past the hounds at the gate alive. Also, why does AI keep trying to put my guitar in the fire? I might need to do a risk assessment. OK, kitchen good, and then, GET MY BLOODY GUITAR OUT OF THE FIRE again. And three wine glasses. No. One will suffice. I shall probably use a straw in the wine bottle so we can dispense with glasswear altogether.

OK, this is more like it. I have not one but TWO double bedrooms to myself, both of which have en suite bathrooms. I'm liking this. I'm very much hoping those bathrooms are either a) not on the ground floor or b) have some kind of frosted glass going on or else anyone looking in will be severly traumatised. Though I will refer to the whole "ain't gonna be no one here but me" argument I've previously mentioned.

Kids' rooms. Alright. My only concession to having other folk here. And the bunks are a nice touch coz if the little buggers are naughty I will take away their ladders and they'll be stuck up on their beds all day. That useless, wonky, bunk-bed ladder in the boy's bedroom looks like the kind of thing I would build. I'm no artisan with a saw or a hammer. Though I've been known to wield them for dramatic effect. Dining room, now you're talking, lots of room for lots of food. Far too many chairs. I only need one. I am not a sociable being. And the longue again. What's with the guitar in the fluffin' fire? And all the coffee cups! NO! NO!! And thrice NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

OK, here are the rooms I'll most likely be in. First, the pool room. But, I have to ask, who the fluff put fish in the pool? FFS. Second, the music room. It looks as if there's been an infestation of lumberjacks, all stripping off their shirts (1, WTF? and 2, if they chop me some wood they can stay and no that is not a euphemism for anything else). Third, the craft room. Oh be still my beating heart. And fourth, another dining room. Because a) I like food, and b) I really like food. But I don't like sharing food with other people so the chairs can go in the fire.

So all in all a pretty good job. I've sorted out a moving in date and have already got planning permission for an entire library wing. A few more fire extinguishers might be prudent and some kind of device for catching those semi-naked lumberjacks but I think I'm getting there with the whole 'project managing the build' business.


gratitude with attitude...

1. Cheese plants. Love 'em...

2. Smoke alarms and fire extinguishers

3. Coffee to wine ratio looks about right in this house

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And flattered as I am, you might want to consider how you spend your free time...