Big Barn Karate Farm

If I was a farmer...

I would be a crappy farmer for many reasons. I can't get up in the mornings. I'm vegetarian. I'm a bit scared of cows. I'm severely allergic to hay. Dairy products give me the squits. I could go on...

However, squits notwithstanding, if I had a farm I would have all this rabble below living on it. Dash the donkey, the Mrs Chickens with their pompom babies who they rent out as cotton wool make-up remover balls, the Moo-vers and Shakers whose special trick is pushing their heads into places that the aren't physically possible to be (on account of the many wormholes we have scattered around the property), and the Oinks, who masquerade as cutsie pigsies but know karate and aren't afraid to use it. On YOU. Wax on, wax off...

Then we've got Rodger the rooster (with a d), Little Jackie Horner and Big Little Jackie Horner, Nelly and Nigel Nostrils and THROW THE BALL, THROW IT, THROW IT, THROW IT NOW who is, of course, an Aussie shepherd. Fun fact, one of these animals nearly did prison time for purposely impaling an entire swarm of wasps on a very sharp part of his anatomy. Then roasting them like marshmallows over a camp fire. Watching their nasty black and yellow pointy arsed little bodies crackle and explode in the fire. Then smothering them in maple syrup. Then eating them. Sinister. The judge let him off because, well, they were only wasps. Can you guess who it was? Hint, he's scary and he's looking at YOU.

And look, there's me in the tractor! "I carn't read, 'n' I carn't write, but I can drive a tracteer". Lord knows I shouldn't be allowed to drive a tractor, I'm a big enough liability in a car. Here's ma sheepdawg, McScraggins, posing by the stream, Dot Dot who is Dash's best friend, and finally the sinister scarecrow whose eyes follow you around the field. I mean literally. They follow you around, running behind you, nipping at your heels, begging for some opticrom drops because they, like me, have hay fever. And they live in a head made of hay. Rough.

gratitude with attitude...

1. I can have eggs for breakfast every day

2. I can rent out Rodger as a hit cockerel

3. My tractor will bring all the boys to my (farm)yard